This past month has been full of the phrase 'well that's never happened before'. We all left for our host families from Bouaké the morning of November 7. During the three weeks in my host family, I experienced quite a bit. I was able to visit my friend Fatou and her family in the first days of my being there where I learned how to prepare an 'interesting' dish call cabatoh made from corn powder. I was able to help one Saturday afternoon with building the new church building in Petit Paris where my host family lives. Every morning I would wake up, take my bath with my bucket of warm water, have my quiet time with Jesus, and share my breakfast with my three year old baby brother Gideon. By then it was only 8:00 or so, so my momma, brother and I would walk to the market to get the things they needed in order to prepare food for the day. In the pictures below you can see some of the beautiful faces of the ladies they buy goods from every day and have relationships with. The rest of the day held much sitting- sitting and not speaking.
I have four siblings attending school who know French fairly well, but when they get home from school, they don't want to speak in French because it's their second language and they are exhausted. My host momma doesn't speak much French because she never had much education. My host dad speaks great French, but he works from early in the morning till late at night so I never see him very much. As you may have picked up, I never was able to say much in my family or grow in my French. When I needed something I could figure out a round about way to get my point across, but I was never able to laugh with them, or just simply have pleasant conversation because I didn't speak Senoufou. It left me feeling very lonely each day, growing deeper and deeper into loneliness.
The first week in my host family I got sick; pretty common here in Africa. My host family took me to the dispensary clinic to be cared for thinking I just had an intestinal bug or something. At the dispensary they found what they thought to be a Urinary Tract Infection. Not a big deal, so I got some medicine and went on my way. Half way through the medication, I noticed that certain symptoms had gotten worse and others had arisen, so we went to the Baptist Hospital in Ferke; about 45 minutes drive away from my host family. We then discovered a very resistant infection that has yet to leave. It has taken a toll on my over all health.
Being sick and lonely is a tough combination and has the potential to always 'get better' but, it didn't quite work out that way for me. Sitting by myself feeling so sick, not being able to communicate with the few people around, and feeling left to survive on my own caused me to be more than just sad like 'my dog passed away' or lonely like 'I miss my mom while I'm away at camp'. It was a lot more intense and quite scary. I felt and continue to feel this sense of being lost and insecure with where I am. I constantly feel like the walls are closing in on me and I am sitting on a little island in a big ocean all alone.
While experiencing these I realized that I have a lot of healing to go, and this is not the place where those wounds can be healed; I was left to 'figure it out'. Through all of these challenging scary things that I have never faced before, I found I'm not quite ready to 'figure it out' on my own in this completely different culture. The Journey Corps program is a wonderful thing and I know that God is at work, but it is just not for me. After much prayer and communication with both God and wise people who speak into my life, it has been decided that I will be leaving Côte d'Ivoire and coming home to Oregon early.
This is a difficult decision to make in so many ways. I know that I am loved here- I don't doubt that for a moment. The friends, scratch that, FAMILY I have within my team is such a sweet thing. They are so sad to see me go, and it is hard for them to let me leave them, but I know they trust what God has laid on my heart and they will continue pouring into my life and loving me just as much when I am in Oregon.
It wasn't easy saying goodbye to my host family. As tough as it was to live there, and as frustrating and lonely as it was not being able to speak with them, they blessed me by allowing me to live with them and learn from them in the short time that I did. One thing they often teased me about was crying, because they don't show their emotions the same way westerners do. As I gave my host momma a hug goodbye, we both cried. That showed me that I was able to bless them too, which was such a neat feeling.
I know that this is what I need to do, and my close friends and family agree. It is hard to think about leaving my team, and every once in a while the little thoughts of being a quitter and giving up come into my head. That's when I pray that Christ would remind me of His grace in my life. From the hand full of people that have been informed in the States, each and every one of them have been completely understanding and full of grace.
I am leaving Côte d'Ivoire on December 6th,stopping in Colorado at World Venture head quarters to speak with the Member Care team there for several days and I will arrive in Portland late on the 11th or early on the 12th.
I know this is a lot of information so I am lifting all of you up in prayer as you take it all in. Please know that I don't regret my time here- God has taught me very much and grown me in many ways. And if God brought me to Africa just to bring my mom in Oregon closer to Jesus, that is reason enough.
Please pray.
- For the big transition ahead of me. It will be hard to say goodbye and to travel with all my emotions and thoughts feeling like spaghetti.
-For safe travels. Being unwell makes a person very tired, so please pray I can rest well before I leave and during the flights. -For my lovely leader and friend Angelika who will be traveling with me.
-For grace and understanding from the church, friends, and family. This is a difficult situation to try and figure out.
- For my host family, team, and friends that I am leaving.
Thank you for taking all the time to read this very thourough letter. I and several other people have prayed over this letter; praying that you all reading it can have a clear understanding. Thank you for your love, grace and support.
Tiffany Marie Johnson
